Benny "Fan Fic"

Science fiction fans will be familiar with the term "fan fic", where fans of a series or character write their own fantasy stories for their favorites.

(Added August 15, 2011)  And more from Jennifer Filips:

Don: With millions of flavors of Jell-O around the world, we feel that Jell-O is selling like wildfire, and this is what gave it its success. We started out with Strawberry, Raspberry, and Cherry. Then we added Orange , Lemon and Lime. The sales were so good that we added Chocolate Pudding and a whole lot of great Jell-O treats for you to enjoy!

So, always get genuine Jell-O! If they don’t have Jell-O, tell them to place an order for you right away. If it doesn’t have the big red letters on the box, it’s not genuine Jell-O!

And now, THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM!

(“Love in Bloom” plays)

Don: And now, folks, we shall go out to Jack Benny’s home in Beverly Hills! We find Jack taking his violin lessons with Professor LeBlanc.

Mel (Professor LeBlanc): One and two and three and four and! Play it softly, play it tender, please don’t make me call Louella!

(Jack starts playing “The Bee.”)

Mel: Please, Mr. Benny! Stick to the exercises!

Now! One and two, and three, and four and!

Be sure to clean your violin,

You don’t know what a mess it’s in!

(Professor LeBlanc can’t stand Jack’s playing anymore.)

Mel: Your lesson is over!

Jack: No, it’s not, Professor! We still have 30 seconds left!

Mel: Oh! 30 seconds! Oh my! Oh dear!

Jack: Yes, 30 seconds left Professor!

Mel: Well, let’s go back to the exercises, then.

Jack: OK. (Jack starts playing.)

Mel: No, no, no, Mr. Benny!!! It’s not Dah, dah, dah, dah, doo, dah, dah, dah, its Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah! Now play it again!

Jack: Oh, I can’t, Professor. It looks like our lesson time is over.

Mel: OVER?! I’M FREE!!! I’M FREE!!! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I’M FREE!!!

Jack: Gee, Professor LeBlanc, it’s just a lesson! I don’t know why you have to be so excited about it…

Mel: (sadly) Now, Mr. Benny, my money…

Jack: Oh, sure. Just let me go down to my vault and get it for you. I’ll be back in a jiffy.

(Phone rings.)

Jack: Hello? Mary? You’re in Palm Springs ? You won’t be able to come out to my house today? Oh, that’s too bad… How are you feeling, Mary? You’re fine…

(Jack hangs up phone.)

(Phone rings.)

Jack: Hello? Oh, it’s you, Mary. No, I’m not cheap by hanging up, I was just happy you weren’t sick! Good bye!

(Jack slams down phone.)

Rochester : What was that noise? Oh, it’s you boss! Weren’t expecting you here so soon…

Jack: So soon? What do you mean, so soon?

Rochester : Hee, hee, hee…

Jack: What’s so funny?

Rochester : I thought that sound was a cat you’d brought home for violin strings!

Jack: Rochester ! You know I’d never think of such things!

Rochester : OK, boss, OK.

(Knock on door.)

Jack: Rochester , would you answer that please?

Rochester : OK.

(Don is at the door with the Sportsmen.)

Rochester : Oh, it’s you, Mr. Wilson! Come right in!

Don: Thank you Rochester .

(Don walks in to meet Jack.)

Don: Hello Jack! Say hello, boys!

Sportsmen Quartet: Mmm!

Jack: Look, Don, I’m glad you came over, and I’m excited to hear the commercial, but couldn’t you do this some other time? You see, I have to go down to my vault to pay my violin teacher, Professor LeBlanc.

Don: Well, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that, Jack.  But, since the boys are here and everything, do you mind if we do the commercial anyway?

Jack: Sure, Don, sure. Just don’t take too long.

Sportsmen Quartet (to the tune of “Hello, Everybody, Hello”): Jell-O, everybody, Jell-O.

Jell-O is the dessert that beats all the rest,

So, Jell-O, everybody, Jell-O,

Jell-O everybody, Jell-O, Jell-O, Jell-O!

Jell-O, Jell-O,

Jell-O, Jell-O, Jell-O,

Jell-O, Jell-O,

Jell-O, Jell-O, Jell-O…

Mel: Mr. Benny, my money please!

Sportsmen: So, Jell-O, everybody, Jell-O.

Jack: Fellas.

Sportsmen: Jell-O,

Jack: Fellas, wait a minute!

Sportsmen: Jell-O,

Mel: Mr. Benny, my money!

Sportsmen: Jell-O!

Jack: WAIT A MINUTE!!!

(Everyone stops.)

Don: But, Jack, there’s a second verse!

Jack: I don’t care, Don!

Don: There’s a second harmony!

Jack: I don’t care!

Don: The fellas had it all rehearsed!

Jack: I know, Don but…

Don: Can’t the fellas sing it?

Jack: No, Don, they can’t. Now please leave.

Don: OK, Jack.

(The Quartet and Don leave.)

Mel: Now, please, Mr. Benny… My money!

Jack: (Getting back into a friendly, happy-go-lucky mood): OK, your money, OK.

Mel: My money, Mr. Benny, my money!

Jack: OK. I’ll go down into my vault and get it.

Mel: Hurry!

Jack: OK.

(Jack goes down to the vault.)

Ed: Friend or foe?

Jack: Er… friend.

Ed: Password?

Jack: Washington might have been before, now we can hear the great ones roar.

Ed: Oh, it’s you, Mr. Benny.

Jack: Yes, Ed.

Ed: Is everything alright?

Jack: Yes, yes, everything is fine, Ed.

Ed: That’s good. Come down to put some money away, Mr. Benny?

Jack: No, no, taking some out.

Ed: Taxes that rough, huh?

Jack: No everything is fine.

Ed: Should I cover my eyes?

Jack: No, no, you can watch.

Jack: Let’s see: right to 36, left to 12, back to 47…

(A lot of loud instruments, finishing with a deafening foghorn.)

Jack: Hmm… The foghorn seems to be a bit weak… 20 dollars should be enough…

(Jack closes the vault.)

Jack: Goodbye, Ed.

Ed: Oh, Mr. Benny!

Jack: Yes?

Ed: Mind if I start wearing clothes? These months are hard.

Jack: No, no, then you’d have to start taking baths too…

(Jack leaves the vault, and sings “Love In Bloom” as he goes back up the stairs.)

Jack: Oh, Professor LeBlanc! Professor Le Blanc!

Rochester : Oh, boss! There you are!

Jack: Yes. Where’s Professor LeBlanc?

Rochester : He got tired and left.

Jack: Oh well. Let’s eat!

(Don starts commercial.)

Don: We are happy to announce that Jell-O is making something new and exciting!

It’s called Jell-O Chocolate Ice cream Powder and it’s quick and easy to make! Just pour the ice cream powder in a bowl, heat for 15 minutes, serve and enjoy!

We know you’ll like this new treat, so start buying yours today!

Jack: We’re a little late, so goodnight folks.

(NBC chimes play.)

NBC announcer: This is the NBC Broadcasting System.

KFI Announcer: KFI, Las Angeles.

(Added November 1, 2010)  The latest from Jennifer Filps:

(As the show opens, Phil plays “Thanks for the Memories” and Don does an ad for Jell-O.)

Don: Jell-O is a great treat, and with it you will be sure to have many memories.

          You will have great memories of its taste and the flavor will keep you coming back for            more. Yes sir! Jell-O is a grand treat! With its six delicious flavors, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon and lime, you will never get bored!

That was “Thanks For The Memories” by Phil Harris and His Orchestra.

And now, we bring you a man who knows that not even Fred Allen can play “The Bee”, Jack Benny!

(Love in Bloom is played)

Jack: That was Love in Bloom. And Don, if you think Fred Allen CAN play “The Bee”, you’re crazy!

(Don laughs.)

Don: You know, Jack, I think maybe you should give Allen a piece of your mind!

Jack: I certainly will, Don, I certainly will.

(Mary walks in.)

Mary: Hello, everybody!

Jack: Hello.

Don: Hello.

Jack: What’s been going on lately, Mary?

Mary: I went home to visit Mama, Papa and Babe.

Jack: You did?

Mary: Yep. Babe has taken up a job as a swimming instructor.

Don: A swimming instructor?

Mary: Yep.

Jack: Where does she teach?

Mary: Well, she goes down to the beach and does the job for the lifeguards. They tell her where to go and she goes out and teaches them how to swim.

Jack: Well, that’s interesting. Last week Rochester and I went out to Palm aSprings and he did the same thing.

Mary: You drowned?!

Jack: No. Rochester was just testing.

Mary: Oh. Well, Mama and Papa are well, and they want me to tell you that they watch all of your shows.

Jack: All of them?

Mary: Yes. Except for the ones on radio and television.

Jack: Oh. Oh. Oh! Well, tell your mother that I watch all of her shows too.

(Dennis walks in.)

Dennis: Hey, Mr. Benny, when I-

Jack: Oh, hello kid.

Dennis: Hi. Hey, Mr. Benny when I sing-

Jack: Tell me, kid, how do you feel?

Dennis: Oh, alright. I fell off the roof this morning, but now I’m OK. Hey, Mr. Benny, when I sing my song, can you-

Jack: You fell off the roof this morning?! That’s terrible!

Dennis: But I’m OK now.

Jack: Oh, OK.

Dennis: Hey, Mr. Benny when I sing my song can you and everyone else be in it too?

Jack: Oh sure, kid, sure! What would you like us to do?

Dennis: I want you all-

Phil: Hiya, Jackson!

Jack: Oh, hello Phil! Hold it a minute, kid.

Dennis: OK.

Phil: Alice and I just came back from Palm Springs.

Jack: Oh, I noticed. You sure look tan!

Phil: Oh, thanks! I went out and sat on the beach a lot!

Jack: Oh? And what did Alice do?

Phil: She sat and tanned me.

Jack: Oh. Oh. Oh!

(Mary starts laughing.)

Jack: What are you laughing at, Mary?

Mary: I just received a letter from Mama.

Jack: Oh, read it to me!

Mary: “Hello dear,

                                  I hope you are safe at home.”

Jack: At home? Where did you go?

Mary: I went to visit Babe, remember?

Jack: Oh yeah. Well, keep reading.

Mary: OK.

“Babe was just fired from her job, I hope Mr. Benny never fires you.”

Jack: I never will. Poor Babe…

Mary: Yeah.

“Have a nice week dear,

                                        From Mama.”

Jack: That was a nice letter. Now Dennis,

Dennis: Yes?

Jack: What was it that you wanted us to do?

Phil: The kid wants us to do something for him?

Jack: Yeah.

Dennis: I’d all like you to sing a new song that I wrote.

Jack: Yeah? What’s it called?

Dennis: Clancy Lowered the Boom

Jack: Yeah, OK.

Phil: OK.

Don: These are great lyrics, Dennis! All about Jell-O! Let’s sing!

Dennis: OK.

I’ll sing the first verse, Jack will sing the second verse and Don will sing the last verse. Phil will sing the choruses. Ready?

Jack: We’re ready!

Dennis: Now Clancy was a peaceful man, if you know what I mean.

The cops picked up the pieces after Clancy left the scene

He never looked for trouble, that’s a fact you can assume

But never the less when trouble would press, Clancy lowered the boom!

Phil: Oh that, Clancy, Oh, that Clancy,

Whenever they got his Irish up,

 Clancy lowered the boom!

Jack: O’Leary was a fighting man

They all knew he was tough

He strutted round the neighborhood

A shootin’ off his guff

He picked a fight with Clancy

Then and there he sealed his doom

Before you could shout, “O’Leary, look out!”

Clancy lowered the boom!

Phil: Oh that Clancy, Oh that Clancy,

         Whenever they got his Irish up,

Clancy lowered the boom!

Don: O’Hoolihan delivered Jell-O

        To Clancy’s wife

        Because it was the pride and joy of Clancy’s life

           O’Hoolihan sat down to eat it with she

           One day O’Hoolihan kissed her

           The Jell-O was just so good

             As soon as he saw

              He took him by the jaw

               And threw him out the door!

             Phil: Oh, that Clancy, Oh that Clancy

                         Whenever they got his Irish up,

                            Clancy lowered the boom!

             Dennis: Sure, it was the most beautiful sight

                            You ever did see

                             When Clancy lowered the boom!

                 Jack: That was great fellas! Play it, Phil!

                   (Phil plays “You Are the Sunshine of my Life”)

                   Jack: We’re running a little late, so good-night folks!

(Added September 10, 2010)  Here's another script from Jennifer that she wrote for her father, Grantley, for this past Father's Day:

Father’s Day on The Jack Benny Program

(As Phil Harris plays ‘Bring in the Money, Don Wilson does an ad for Jell-O)

Don: Folks, ever since your mother first sat down with her cup of tea and her bowl of genuine Jell-O, she has been wondering how Jell-O can taste so good. So have we and we have decided that it’s another miracle of nature. Yes, just like a rippling waterfall or the Eiffel Tower, Jell-O is something so marvelous that only the top stores will be selling genuine Jell-O! LOOK FOR THE BIG RED LETTERS ON THE BOX! Yes sir, there will always be room for Jell-O!

(Jack’s theme song, “Love in Bloom” is played.)

Don: And now folks, here’s a man that only “thinks” he can play “The Bee”, the one and only, Jack Benny!!!

Jack:  Thank you Don, but if you ever make a remark like that again, you might as well get another job!

Don: Oh, I’m sorry, Jack!

Jack: Good, well, let’s not worry! Today is Father’s Day after all!

Don: Oh that’s true, Jack! Jell-O is the best thing to have on Father’s Day! It will cheer him up and will cheer you up too! In fact, it is the perfect gift for ANY occasion!

Mary: Hello everybody!

Don and Jack: Hello!

Mary: Do we have a play today?

Jack: No, not today.

Mary: Oh, good.

Jack: Has your mother written you any letters lately, Mary?

Mary: No.

Jack: Oh, oh.

(Phil enters.)

All: Hello Phil.

Phil: Hi. Today’s Father’s Day! Has Livvy written a poem?

Mary: Yes, but not about you.

Phil: Oh.

Jack: Am I in it?

Mary: No. Who’d put you in?!

Jack: Well!

Mary: Want me to read it?

Jack: Yeah, Ok.

Mary: Well, here goes….

Jack: Yeah, hurry up!

Mary: Ok.

Oh Fathers Day, Father’s Day

Jack: That’s a good start.

Mary: Thanks.

When the father’s stay home and play

Jack: Home and play? All Fred Allen does is work!

Mary: That’s better than what you do!

Jack: Quiet!

Mary: Oh, OK.

When they get toys

All the boys

Jack: ALL the boys?! Not EVERYONE’S a father you know!

Mary:  Yeah, I’m not.

Jack: Hmmmmm…..

Mary: Where was I? Oh yeah…

All the boys

Jump and shout Hooray!

Jack: Is this the end?

Mary: Yeah.

Jack: Ok- please continue Miss. Livingstone

Mary: Yeah, ok.

Oh Father’s Day, Happy Father’s Day

A day for all the boys- except Jack.

Don: That was a great poem Mary!

Mary: Oh thanks, Don!

(Kenny walks in.)

Kenny: Hello, everybody!

Jack: Kenny, where have you been?! You’ve already missed half the program!!!

Kenny: Oh, I’m real sorry Jack! It won’t happen again!

Jack: Good! It had better not!

(Mary starts laughing.)

Jack: What’s so funny, Mary?

Mary: Mother just sent a letter.

Jack: What- just then?

Mary: Yes.

Jack: Well, that was fast! Read me some of it.

Mary:  Yeah, OK.

“Dear Mary,

                 How have you been? We have all been well, except for Babe who has just come down with the measles.”

Jack: Oh! That’s terrible!

Mary: Yes!

“Your father and I have been watching Babe perform. She is now working part-time singer, part-time comedian. She will not believe that you are much better.”

Jack: She better not!

Mary: “I am sure that you are reading this out loud to Mr. Benny, who I hope didn’t just say that you are not better than Babe because you are!”

Mary: I told you so!

Jack: Hmmmm……

Mary: “Have a nice Mother’s Day dear! Love Mama, Papa and Babe Livingstone.”

Jack: One thing’s for sure, they love you!

Mary: I know.

Jack: Hmmmmmm……..  Sing, Kenny!

(Kenny sings “When Your Head Bangs against the Raindrops”.)

Jack: Goodnight folks and thanks for listening in!

Don: This has been the NBC Broadcasting Company!)

Here's a script from 12-year-old Jennifer Filips in Australia.  Enjoy!

Script- The Jack Benny Program
Before the show starts, the Jell-O jingle plays.
Phil plays "Hi-Ho Hi-Ho" while Don does an ad for Jell-O.
Don: Jell-O is the perfect dessert. No matter where you are, there is always
time for Jell-O. There are all different types of Jell-O so you will never
get bored. These flavours are Raspberry, Strawberry, Cherry, Grape, Lemon
and Lime. And not only that, but you can make all sorts of desserts too! You
can have ice-cream, or chocolate pudding! No folks, there is definetely no
running out! (The music stops.) And now, we bring you the man that only pays
a penny on wash-day, JACK BENNY!!!!
Jack: Hello again folks, and Don, that was not a very flattering
introduction. I only paid a penny because I heard it was on half-price!
Don (while laughing): Well, I'm sorry Jack, but that's the way it is.
Jack: Oh! Oh. Well just never do it again!
Mary: Hello, everybody!
Don and Jack: Hello Mary!
Don and Jack start arguing again.
Mary: Hello everybody!
Don and Jack: Oh, hello Mary!
Mary: What are you and Don fighting about, Jack?
Jack: He complained to the audience about me only paying a penny on washing
day!
Mary: You're lucky that they let you get away with it! You wanted to only
pay a shilling!
Jack: MARY!
Don: Then what happened?
Jack: Please don't Mary!
Don: No, go on. What did Jack do?
Mary: Well, Jack went up to the counter and asked how much the least
expensive wash was and they told him that it was 25c. Jack said he would
only pay 5c. So, they had a fight, Jack ended up with black eyes and the
cashier ended up with 25c.
Jack: Mary!
Mary: What?
Jack: That is only half-true!
Don: What do you mean?
Jack: I only got one black eye!
(Don and Mary laugh.)
Jack: But, if I ever run into that guy again, he's in for it!
Mary: You wouldn't hurt a fly!
Jack: Well, at least I'll try.
(Phil arrives.)
Phil: Hello Jackson!
Jack: Hello Phil.
Phil: What's wrong with Jackson?
Mary: He's angry because the laundry man charged him 25 cents.
Phil: Why?
Mary: He only wanted to pay 5.
Jack: MARY! Fellas, fellas, let's just let this go, OK? It's all over and
done with!
Phil: Ok, is everyone here yet?
Jack: No, we're still waiting for Kenny. He's always late!
(Kenny walks in, looks around and then walks out. He walks in again and does
the same thing.)
Phil: Jackson, I think that's Kenny over there!
Jack: Oh! Oh, it is too. Kenny!!! We're over here!
Kenny: Oh, hello.
Jack: Kenny, why did you walk out?
Phil: Yeah! Why'd you walk out on us?!
Kenny: I thought I was in the wrong place.
Jack: Well, Kenny, you're not. You're with us. This is not the wrong place.
Kenny: Then why was Fred Allen staring at me out in the waiting room?
Jack: FRED ALLEN?!
Kenny: Yeah.
Jack: I'll go talk to him.
(Before Jack goes out to talk to Fred, Phil plays "Bye Bye Blackbird." After
the song, we find Jack and Fred in the waiting room.)
Jack: FRED ALLEN?!
Fred: JACK BENNY?!
Jack: Well, I'll be darned! Kenny was telling the truth!
Fred: What are you doing here, Jack?
Jack: What am I doing here?! What are you doing here???
Fred: I'm auditioning!
Jack: Auditioning? You already have your own show! I guess you can't hold up
even one show!
Fred: You're the one that needs to audition! You walked out and everyone
already knew you were terrible! They also knew you were cheap!
Jack: You're just the guy to play the villian in our play! Come on!
(Before they get in the room, Kenny sings " As Sweet as a song")
Phil: Jackson, are we doing a play tonight?
Jack: Yes, yes we are.
Phil: Good! Can I be the hero?
Jack: No! No I'm the her-
(Telegraph man (Mel Blanc) knocks at the door Jack opens it.)
Telegraph man: Telegraph for Mr. Benny! Telegraph for Mr. Benny!
Jack: What is it?! I was just introducing the play!
Mel: I know. Looks like you've got two black eyes to me.
(Mel closes the door and leaves Jack standing there.)
Jack: Well! Well, anyway folks, the name of our play tonight is...
(Gong sounds.)
The Wizard of Oz!
Jack: We're a little short of female players, so some of you will have to
play girls in this play.... including you, Fred!
Fred: Jack!!! You skin-headed cluck! I can't be a girl!!!
Jack: Why- why not?
Fred: For starters, I'm not one!
Jack: Oh, that's a surprise!
Fred: Well!
Jack: Hey, that's my line! Anyway folks, tonight you Mary-
Mary: Who me?
Jack: Yes. You will be playing the part of Dorothy.
Mary: Why did you pick me, Jack?
Jack: We were short of female actors.
Mary: Hahahahahahaha
Phil: What's so funny, Mary?
Mary: All of you will be playing girls.
Jack: No, actually. I have hired Miss Eliza Haydes.
Eliza: (She is very posh.) Hello.
Don: Who is she playing, Jack?
Jack: She is doubling as Aunt Em and Glinda the Good Witch of the East. Now
Fred,
Fred: Yes
Jack: You are the Wicked Witch of The West.
Fred: No, you should be!
Jack: Why?
Fred: Because you are a real witch!
Jack: Well!

THIS WILL BE CONTINUED IN NEXT WEEK'S CHAPTER: THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ

Don: This has been The National Broadcasting Company. We have had Jack
Benny, Mary Livingstone, Phil Harris, Miss Eliza Haydes and yours truly, Don
Wilson. We are on the air for Jell-O.